Writing CVs

I’ve been reading a lot of CVs recently. I need some application developers and some software implementers.  Hence I’ve been getting a lot of CVs hitting my desk.    Now, there are lots of websites dedicated to writing a good CV and you’d think that people would sit up and take notice of this advice.  But no, not in my world, to give you few examples of what I’ve seen.

1.) “I Worked on a ferry, I learnt to tie knots.”   Whilst useful, not really necessary unless you’re planning a future working on the QE2.  Although I am considering throwing in a “tie me a sheep-shank and two half-hitches” question – just to see.

2.) “Employment Terminated, I was a bit wet behind the ears.”  Seriously, never admit that you were fired or that you deserved it. Ever.

3.) Never admit to stealing customer’s internet bandwidth so that you could play call of duty or World of Warcraft online.

4.) Never talk about yourself in the 3rd person

5.) Never write your life story in a light-hearted or amusing way as part of your C.V

6.)  Don’t lie on your CV.  Most people can spot a b***shitter a mile off.  Don’t lie about your experience or skills.  Be prepared to be closely tested.

7.)  When asked a question about your skills, don’t suck air through your teeth, shrug your shoulders and say “yeah, I’m pretty average at that”

8. ) Don’t ask if you can have access to the internet to answer interview questions.

9.) Being late is one thing, not actually turn up to the interview is another.  I’ve had two three no-shows – people have confirmed the interview over the phone and then, nothing.  No explanation, no reason, just didn’t turn up.

10.) Never, ever, use Comic Sans MS unless you’re 5 years old.  Even if you are a young attractive female with big boobs, don’t do it. Why not? http://sixrevisions.com/graphics-design/comic-sans-the-font-everyone-loves-to-hate/

Being honest is one thing, just don’t take it too far worlds-worst-cv-admits-to-stealing-laziness-and-skiving and make sure you know what job your applying for beauticians-confused-after-mistakenly-applying-for-building-site-nails-job

All Facebook Status Jokes from the past months

The Facebook status history App shows all the updates to Facebook that I’ve made in the past few months.  Aside from the alarming fact that they keep an alarming amount of information about me for an undisclosed amount of time it did mean I could do this -a summary of all the jokes I’ve entered to my status. Woo.

Thu September 1, 2011, 4:01 am: Has hit a new nadir in C.Vs – lets just say ‘Comic sans’

Thu August 25, 2011, 9:05 am: I needed a password 8 characters long so I used ‘snow white and the seven dwarves’ – Nick Helm.

Thu August 18, 2011, 2:25 pm: I was playing golf on my own today when I met someone else playing on their own. ‘Fancy doubling up?’ I asked him, ‘alright’ he said – so I kicked him in the nuts.

Mon August 8, 2011, 1:33 am: I went to the fish and chip shop last night and asked for a large fish and chips. The shop assistant said ‘the fish won’t be long’ so i said ‘it better be fat then’

Tue August 2, 2011, 12:44 am: The Doctor says my cure for agoraphobia is out there somewhere.

Thu July 28, 2011, 12:33 am: Every once in a while I stop and think, “I know you can read my thoughts.” Just in case.

Wed July 20, 2011, 12:58 am: “Harry Potter is all about confronting fears, finding inner strength and doing what is right in the face of adversity. Twilight is about how important it is to have a boyfriend” – (Stephen King )

Fri July 15, 2011, 3:34 am: is having trouble remembering the alphabet. I don’t know y.

Mon July 4, 2011, 12:08 pm: people at work say I should dress for success and I should dress for the job I want, not the job I have – From now on I’m dressing as spiderman

Wed June 29, 2011, 1:46 am: Has bought liquid viagra. Does nothing for your sex life, but a drop in each eye makes you look hard…..

Fri June 24, 2011, 10:03 am: It’s a cruel irony that Pringles tubes are only designed for slim hands.

Wed June 22, 2011, 11:08 am: I was walking through the park last night and one guy threw sodium chloride on me and another covered me in sulphuric acid. It was terrible. I didn’t know how to react.

Sat June 18, 2011, 10:36 am: An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar and the barman says “Is this some kind of joke?”

Thu June 16, 2011, 12:25 pm: I’ve started a band called duvet. It’s going to be a cover band

Tue June 14, 2011, 7:34 am: I bought Bonnie Tyler’s car last year on ebay. It’s terrible, every now and then it falls apart.

Wed June 8, 2011, 12:39 am: The missus just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the roof.

Thu June 2, 2011, 3:08 pm: bus wankers <an Inbetweeners reference – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=orzlz86p9bE&NR=1 >

Thu June 2, 2011, 3:11 am: Emma says my obsession with the monkees is getting too much. I thought she was taking the piss….then I saw her face.

Mon May 23, 2011, 2:17 pm: I went to the dentist the other day, he said ‘say ahhh’ I said ‘why?’ he said ‘because my dog died’

Sun May 22, 2011, 2:39 pm: I don’t want to boast, but this is like the forth or fifth end of the world i’ve survived

Fri May 20, 2011, 2:08 pm: so what if a can’t spell armaggedon. It’s not the end of the world….

Thu May 19, 2011, 9:39 am: I’ve had it up to here with jokes that use visual references.

Wed May 18, 2011, 1:08 pm: I’m NOT OCD about tidiness. I thought I just clear that up…..

Wed May 18, 2011, 12:00 am: A man has been found covered in wood, horse poo, hay and straw. His condition is said to be stable….

Mon May 16, 2011, 3:41 pm: I’ve started a new band called 999mb. We’ve not had a gig yet…..

Mon May 16, 2011, 12:41 am: Somebody called me ‘pretentious’ the other day. I nearly choked on my latte

Thu May 12, 2011, 10:22 am: My dog had to have part of its leg removed. I thought it’d look cool if it had a hook instead. It turned out to be a paw substitute

Wed May 11, 2011, 10:06 am: I’m so bored with life, I’ve decided to read the Oxford English Dictionary from start to finish. I’m past caring.

Wed May 11, 2011, 12:40 am: Paddy goes into Micks shed and sees him doing a striptease around his brand new Massey Ferguson…”What arrr you doin?” says Paddy Mick says “Me and Mary’s not getting on so good lately so the doctor said I should do something sexy to a tractor”

Tue May 10, 2011, 12:43 pm: what do you get if you cross a motorway with a cow? A dead cow…..

Thu May 5, 2011, 10:40 am: I’ve taken to stealing my dinner from the Zoo. That way I get the lion’s share.

Wed May 4, 2011, 6:47 am: I’ve spent the last six weeks trying to sell shergars corpse with no luck. I think I’m flogging a dead horse.

Wed March 16, 2011, 10:22 am: not pressing ‘post’ on comments could lead to some f

Thu June 17, 2010, 10:06 am: My Laptops been infected with the Rob Green Virus. Now I can’t save anything…..<rerference for non football fans http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ilPSDQtzS9Q&feature=related >

Fri February 19, 2010, 9:48 am: My dog has no dictionary, how does he spell awful.

Tue January 12, 2010, 10:10 am: if at first you don’t succeed, fail, fail and fail again. Then hit it with a hammer.

Fri September 18, 2009, 3:05 pm: who’s the person playing charades in the corner of the evening news?

 

If you do this for me and I’ll refer all my friends

Yep.  And your friends don’t have any money either.  I’ve fallen for that one when quoting for work.

My top ten:

1. If you do this for me and I’ll refer all my friends.

This project takes 403% of your time and you get 0% referrals

2. “I can’t believe your software doesn’t do ‘X’  If you code ‘X’, for me, for free you’ll make a killing selling it to everyone else.”

If you won’t pay for this will anyone else ?  I’ll just work for free shall I?

3. “You’re a Programmer? – I’ve got a problem with my PC at home maybe you could fix it for me?

It’s a personal favourite of mine, it’s a bit like saying “You’re a doctor?  I’ve got a problem with my car , can you take a look?”

4. I need a fully functional website by close of business.  

I don’t program Web sites, what makes you think I can design one in the next hour and a half?

5. Think of this as a foot in the door, do this and I’ll refer more work to you.

Think of this as MY bill for MY time. 

6. I don’t want to spend any money but….(long rambling list of features )

OK, which bits of the software don’t you want?

7. I paid for something once 3 years ago and think it’s your duty to sort out all my other problems without getting paid to do so.

Brilliant.  Just watch me NOT help you. 

8. I need this tomorrow.

Another favourite, should I code /test/ implement faster? (again, which bit of the software don’t you want? )

9. My Nephew/Cousin/Dog  programs in MS  FrontPage/MS Access and he says it can’t be that complicated/expensive surely?  

If that’s the case you could get your dog to do it?

10. Software ‘X’ does this, yours should too.

Yeah, well software ‘X’ blows chunks and is written in BASIC why would I want to copy that?